So so so challenged

Interior design is not my thing. I have no idea how to put colors together or what the impact of a color will be once it is on the wall etc. If I get something that co-ordinates it is a fluke of luck and nothing more.

Then add into the mix my husband who is very good with color but LOVES dark colors. So he chooses all these rich dark colors and then I have to decorate around them. Please God give me strength...and an unlimited budget? Would that be asking too much? Afterall I am a person who can walk into the store and instantly fall in love with the most expensive thing without even looking at a price tag. I am just instantly drawn to it.

Hence why I am not allowed to shop by myself anymore.

*sigh*

Acceptance

One of my client’s is dying. It is completely expected, she has been terminal for a long time. She is not expected to live much longer. I have lived through her struggles to beat this disease. I have seen her attempts to return to work and succeed when the Doctors told her it was impossible. I have supported her but also in following the policy I am bound to I have unfortunately also made her cry and brought her sorrow and extra stress.

She has cried tears on the phone and leaned on my shoulder about not being able to watch her children grow up. She has grieved for the life she so desperately wants back but will never be able to even come close to living again.

Today I received a report on my desk with about 100 pages of supporting documentation of her present life circumstances. All I want to do right now is cry for her. To mourn with her the loss of what she had and the unfair life she now is faced with.

I worked in palliative care years ago and I really hope that she gets that peaceful end she deserves after all the struggles that she has ensued.

My working relationship with her has ended. But she is one of my clients that will forever hold a place in my heart.

Jumping off a cliff...

It is one of those times in my life where I look at what is ahead of me and I realize there is no road … only a cliff. I can either turn around and continue on the road I am taking … or I can jump.

I have thought this through. I was so sure at the time it was the right decision. I jumped. And only after I jumped did I become scared. A little late for fear.

I guess I just have to see where I land when I get to the bottom.

Keep Marching

It is amazing how we take our health for granted. Nothing reminds one of that more than battling a chronic health issue.

One of the signs of my cancer was that I had an immune system, it just simply would not/could not function. So I was sick pretty much everyday for years.

Since my surgery in December 2009 my immune system has slowly been repairing itself. With some nasty side effects along the way. Namely, severe muscle and joint pain. But we have learned to live with it. After all it is better than the alternative. But away went the daily colds, stomach flus etc. Life once again formed a balance and we moved forward.

Until this weekend and I got sick. I had known for about a week that I was getting sick. I was back to feeling how I had previously in not being able to even pull myself out of bed. No energy, no life, no nothing.

But with that came the fear of "is it back?" Did they miss some cells? Did they make a mistake in saying they weren't going to do further treatments right now? What if? Coulda" Shoulda? Maybe?

In one month I have another follow up appointment with the oncologist and we will see where we go once again from here. Every appointment is a fork in the road. Sometimes multiple ones. They give you their medical opinion and you get to choose which one you think is best for you. Then you make another one. Discuss how this choice went, any new information, and then discussion of the forks in the road that may have presented themselves. And onward and onwards we go.

It takes a while to grasp the fact that even if something went sideways, that at the time of the decision, you made the best choice based off the information you had on hand. It truly can be a two step forwards, one step back game. Over and over and over again. Some weird type of medical psychological torture.

Each appointment is preceeded by a bloodletting event. If you think they take a lot of blood out of you for a prenatal appointment you have not seen anything! I have so much blood drawn at times that I feel dizzy. Who knew that they could count so many things in your body with so many vials of blood? I am pretty sure they can count the number of images seen in my eyes between appointments :)

It sucks. But it is my life. I accept that.

I just want to be able to move forward and never think of this again.

To not have days like today where a swollen lymph node in my neck may mean "yes you have a cold" or "the cancer has spread to there".

Guess that is just not meant to be at this time.

Quit whining and keep marching. Forwards. Onwards. Towards tomorrow.

Recipe: Spiced Buttnernut Squash Soup

This is an amazing soup. The sherry is optional, but it does add a nice flavour to it. I made it for Christmas dinner this year as an appetizer and it was completely gone in about a half hour.

The nice thing about this soup is you can make the base ahead of time, cool, blend, and freeze. When you are ready to use it you can thaw it, put it in the crockpot, and then add the cream and sherry (if wanted) right before you serve it.

The other thing is the longer you let it sit, the more the spices come through. It is not a spicy soup when you first taste it, but the after flavour is a nice spicy taste. Spices can be doubled for an even spicer blend.

SPICED BUTTERNUT SQUASH SOUP

Ingredients
• 3 pounds butternut squash, seeded, peeled, cut into 1 inch chunks
• 2 tablespoons butter
• 1 medium onion, sliced
• 1 leek, sliced
• 2 cloves garlic, sliced
• 1 liter of chicken stock
• 2 large russet potatoes, peeled and quartered (or 1 large sweet potatoe/yam)
• 1/8 teaspoon cayenne pepper
• 1/8 teaspoon ground allspice
• 1/8 teaspoon ground nutmeg
• 1/8 teaspoon ground ginger
• salt and pepper to taste
• 1/2 cup sherry wine (optional)
• 1 cup half-and-half cream
• 1/2 cup sour cream (optional)

Directions

1. Day before: place all ingredients except sherry wine, half and half cream and sour cream into slow cooker. Cook on low for 5-6 hours. Let cool. In small amounts blend in blender. Transfer back to slow cooker and put in fridge.

2. Day of: heat soup on low for 3-4 hours in slow cooker. About ½ hour before serving add half and half cream and sherry wine (optional). When served top with sour cream (optional).

VARIATIONS:
• for a spicier soup double seasonings
• For a richer soup use table cream

Yup it hurts.

Today is my first day back at exercising in over 3 years. Yes you read that right. For the past 3 years I have been on bed rest, modified bed rest, and just plain exhaustion. No one could tell me why I was so exhausted all the time. I would literally sit at my desk at work and cry because I was so tired. I ached, I felt cold, I wanted to die.

Then I got my answer as to why I felt this way. I had cancer. After fighting with Drs for close to 12 months the surgery I knew that needed to be done was finally done to shut me up. And after it was all said and done it turned out I was right, I had cancer, the original biopsy was wrong. But let me tell you within 3 days of having that darn stuff taken out of my body I started to feel human again. Now 6 months later I feel human enough to begin to recondition my body.

I have a series of 5 exercises I do 2-3 times a day. Simple core strengthening exercises that most people would laugh at. Well I did my first "set" tonight. I will admit it was humiliating. I used to do pilates and weight training like it was nothing. I could not even do 5 reps of each exercise tonight. But I did each of them as much as I was able and I am proud of myself. Hopefully by the end of the week I can start increasing my reps. The goal is by the end of the month to have enough core stability to do beginner pilates. Once that is done I will start to build up some cardiovascular endurance. I am not looking forward to that. I have to start at 2-3 minutes twice a day and very slowly build myself up as my heart is weak from everything it has gone through and the stress that was on it over the past few years.

If cancer has taught me nothing else it has taught me the need to feel alive. It was my wake up call and I am not taking it lightly.

Roots and Wings

I have been a mom for almost 13 years now. I will be honest it is easily the most heartwrenching job I have ever done or will ever do.

"Give your children two things: one is roots, the other is wings".

Giving your children roots is the easy part. Giving them, or rather allowing them, to have wings is a whole different territory and by far one of the scariest places one can be. My eldest is just shy of 13 years old. He has been trying to convince me for the last year that 12 is not "tween" but a "teen". Ummm...no, but I let him believe it. Is it worth the fight? Probably not.

But there are some things that are worth fighting for. As I say he is a 12 year old dealing with adult issues with kid logic. He has some major gaps in the cognitive processes required to be an adult and he may be 12 going on 40 in many ways. But this last year has probably been the hardest year of my life as a parent. It was the year that I learned that giving them wings meant you also had to teach them to fly. And part of learning to fly is being allowed to fall flat on their face from time to time. And any mother and father can tell you that watching them fall is what makes you want to cry. Tough love sucks.

For the last year I have found him on his face time and time again. I have picked him up and put him back on his feet. No thanks. No hugs. Nothing. And I have had to step back and let him take that next leap to try again and once again watch him fall. I/we (bio-dad and I) give him tools, he refuses to use them and we watch him fall yet again. And now he has hit pretty low. And this last time when we asked "do you want help?" he agreed to take our hand and walk to a different ledge before leaping off to try and fly again.

Yesterday I watched him in the backyard playing with my youngest and it occurred to me that in less than 5.5 years he will be considered an adult. In another year and bit he will get getting his Learner's Permit to drive. In 3 years a Driver's License. And in 5.5 years he will be hopefully ready to fly on his own.

A part of me wanted to run out and hug him. To save him from his first heartbreak. To save him from his first bad experience in everything. But to do that would hold him back and he would not grow into the person he is meant to be.

It is hard to figure out where that fine line is between over-parenting and giving too much freedom. And just like him we are doing the best we can, with the knowledge we have and the life experience we have. I just pray that I will not accidentally clip his wings so that he will be able to soar when he is ready.