Keep Marching

It is amazing how we take our health for granted. Nothing reminds one of that more than battling a chronic health issue.

One of the signs of my cancer was that I had an immune system, it just simply would not/could not function. So I was sick pretty much everyday for years.

Since my surgery in December 2009 my immune system has slowly been repairing itself. With some nasty side effects along the way. Namely, severe muscle and joint pain. But we have learned to live with it. After all it is better than the alternative. But away went the daily colds, stomach flus etc. Life once again formed a balance and we moved forward.

Until this weekend and I got sick. I had known for about a week that I was getting sick. I was back to feeling how I had previously in not being able to even pull myself out of bed. No energy, no life, no nothing.

But with that came the fear of "is it back?" Did they miss some cells? Did they make a mistake in saying they weren't going to do further treatments right now? What if? Coulda" Shoulda? Maybe?

In one month I have another follow up appointment with the oncologist and we will see where we go once again from here. Every appointment is a fork in the road. Sometimes multiple ones. They give you their medical opinion and you get to choose which one you think is best for you. Then you make another one. Discuss how this choice went, any new information, and then discussion of the forks in the road that may have presented themselves. And onward and onwards we go.

It takes a while to grasp the fact that even if something went sideways, that at the time of the decision, you made the best choice based off the information you had on hand. It truly can be a two step forwards, one step back game. Over and over and over again. Some weird type of medical psychological torture.

Each appointment is preceeded by a bloodletting event. If you think they take a lot of blood out of you for a prenatal appointment you have not seen anything! I have so much blood drawn at times that I feel dizzy. Who knew that they could count so many things in your body with so many vials of blood? I am pretty sure they can count the number of images seen in my eyes between appointments :)

It sucks. But it is my life. I accept that.

I just want to be able to move forward and never think of this again.

To not have days like today where a swollen lymph node in my neck may mean "yes you have a cold" or "the cancer has spread to there".

Guess that is just not meant to be at this time.

Quit whining and keep marching. Forwards. Onwards. Towards tomorrow.