So so so challenged

Interior design is not my thing. I have no idea how to put colors together or what the impact of a color will be once it is on the wall etc. If I get something that co-ordinates it is a fluke of luck and nothing more.

Then add into the mix my husband who is very good with color but LOVES dark colors. So he chooses all these rich dark colors and then I have to decorate around them. Please God give me strength...and an unlimited budget? Would that be asking too much? Afterall I am a person who can walk into the store and instantly fall in love with the most expensive thing without even looking at a price tag. I am just instantly drawn to it.

Hence why I am not allowed to shop by myself anymore.

*sigh*

Acceptance

One of my client’s is dying. It is completely expected, she has been terminal for a long time. She is not expected to live much longer. I have lived through her struggles to beat this disease. I have seen her attempts to return to work and succeed when the Doctors told her it was impossible. I have supported her but also in following the policy I am bound to I have unfortunately also made her cry and brought her sorrow and extra stress.

She has cried tears on the phone and leaned on my shoulder about not being able to watch her children grow up. She has grieved for the life she so desperately wants back but will never be able to even come close to living again.

Today I received a report on my desk with about 100 pages of supporting documentation of her present life circumstances. All I want to do right now is cry for her. To mourn with her the loss of what she had and the unfair life she now is faced with.

I worked in palliative care years ago and I really hope that she gets that peaceful end she deserves after all the struggles that she has ensued.

My working relationship with her has ended. But she is one of my clients that will forever hold a place in my heart.

Jumping off a cliff...

It is one of those times in my life where I look at what is ahead of me and I realize there is no road … only a cliff. I can either turn around and continue on the road I am taking … or I can jump.

I have thought this through. I was so sure at the time it was the right decision. I jumped. And only after I jumped did I become scared. A little late for fear.

I guess I just have to see where I land when I get to the bottom.

Keep Marching

It is amazing how we take our health for granted. Nothing reminds one of that more than battling a chronic health issue.

One of the signs of my cancer was that I had an immune system, it just simply would not/could not function. So I was sick pretty much everyday for years.

Since my surgery in December 2009 my immune system has slowly been repairing itself. With some nasty side effects along the way. Namely, severe muscle and joint pain. But we have learned to live with it. After all it is better than the alternative. But away went the daily colds, stomach flus etc. Life once again formed a balance and we moved forward.

Until this weekend and I got sick. I had known for about a week that I was getting sick. I was back to feeling how I had previously in not being able to even pull myself out of bed. No energy, no life, no nothing.

But with that came the fear of "is it back?" Did they miss some cells? Did they make a mistake in saying they weren't going to do further treatments right now? What if? Coulda" Shoulda? Maybe?

In one month I have another follow up appointment with the oncologist and we will see where we go once again from here. Every appointment is a fork in the road. Sometimes multiple ones. They give you their medical opinion and you get to choose which one you think is best for you. Then you make another one. Discuss how this choice went, any new information, and then discussion of the forks in the road that may have presented themselves. And onward and onwards we go.

It takes a while to grasp the fact that even if something went sideways, that at the time of the decision, you made the best choice based off the information you had on hand. It truly can be a two step forwards, one step back game. Over and over and over again. Some weird type of medical psychological torture.

Each appointment is preceeded by a bloodletting event. If you think they take a lot of blood out of you for a prenatal appointment you have not seen anything! I have so much blood drawn at times that I feel dizzy. Who knew that they could count so many things in your body with so many vials of blood? I am pretty sure they can count the number of images seen in my eyes between appointments :)

It sucks. But it is my life. I accept that.

I just want to be able to move forward and never think of this again.

To not have days like today where a swollen lymph node in my neck may mean "yes you have a cold" or "the cancer has spread to there".

Guess that is just not meant to be at this time.

Quit whining and keep marching. Forwards. Onwards. Towards tomorrow.

Recipe: Spiced Buttnernut Squash Soup

This is an amazing soup. The sherry is optional, but it does add a nice flavour to it. I made it for Christmas dinner this year as an appetizer and it was completely gone in about a half hour.

The nice thing about this soup is you can make the base ahead of time, cool, blend, and freeze. When you are ready to use it you can thaw it, put it in the crockpot, and then add the cream and sherry (if wanted) right before you serve it.

The other thing is the longer you let it sit, the more the spices come through. It is not a spicy soup when you first taste it, but the after flavour is a nice spicy taste. Spices can be doubled for an even spicer blend.

SPICED BUTTERNUT SQUASH SOUP

Ingredients
• 3 pounds butternut squash, seeded, peeled, cut into 1 inch chunks
• 2 tablespoons butter
• 1 medium onion, sliced
• 1 leek, sliced
• 2 cloves garlic, sliced
• 1 liter of chicken stock
• 2 large russet potatoes, peeled and quartered (or 1 large sweet potatoe/yam)
• 1/8 teaspoon cayenne pepper
• 1/8 teaspoon ground allspice
• 1/8 teaspoon ground nutmeg
• 1/8 teaspoon ground ginger
• salt and pepper to taste
• 1/2 cup sherry wine (optional)
• 1 cup half-and-half cream
• 1/2 cup sour cream (optional)

Directions

1. Day before: place all ingredients except sherry wine, half and half cream and sour cream into slow cooker. Cook on low for 5-6 hours. Let cool. In small amounts blend in blender. Transfer back to slow cooker and put in fridge.

2. Day of: heat soup on low for 3-4 hours in slow cooker. About ½ hour before serving add half and half cream and sherry wine (optional). When served top with sour cream (optional).

VARIATIONS:
• for a spicier soup double seasonings
• For a richer soup use table cream

Yup it hurts.

Today is my first day back at exercising in over 3 years. Yes you read that right. For the past 3 years I have been on bed rest, modified bed rest, and just plain exhaustion. No one could tell me why I was so exhausted all the time. I would literally sit at my desk at work and cry because I was so tired. I ached, I felt cold, I wanted to die.

Then I got my answer as to why I felt this way. I had cancer. After fighting with Drs for close to 12 months the surgery I knew that needed to be done was finally done to shut me up. And after it was all said and done it turned out I was right, I had cancer, the original biopsy was wrong. But let me tell you within 3 days of having that darn stuff taken out of my body I started to feel human again. Now 6 months later I feel human enough to begin to recondition my body.

I have a series of 5 exercises I do 2-3 times a day. Simple core strengthening exercises that most people would laugh at. Well I did my first "set" tonight. I will admit it was humiliating. I used to do pilates and weight training like it was nothing. I could not even do 5 reps of each exercise tonight. But I did each of them as much as I was able and I am proud of myself. Hopefully by the end of the week I can start increasing my reps. The goal is by the end of the month to have enough core stability to do beginner pilates. Once that is done I will start to build up some cardiovascular endurance. I am not looking forward to that. I have to start at 2-3 minutes twice a day and very slowly build myself up as my heart is weak from everything it has gone through and the stress that was on it over the past few years.

If cancer has taught me nothing else it has taught me the need to feel alive. It was my wake up call and I am not taking it lightly.

Roots and Wings

I have been a mom for almost 13 years now. I will be honest it is easily the most heartwrenching job I have ever done or will ever do.

"Give your children two things: one is roots, the other is wings".

Giving your children roots is the easy part. Giving them, or rather allowing them, to have wings is a whole different territory and by far one of the scariest places one can be. My eldest is just shy of 13 years old. He has been trying to convince me for the last year that 12 is not "tween" but a "teen". Ummm...no, but I let him believe it. Is it worth the fight? Probably not.

But there are some things that are worth fighting for. As I say he is a 12 year old dealing with adult issues with kid logic. He has some major gaps in the cognitive processes required to be an adult and he may be 12 going on 40 in many ways. But this last year has probably been the hardest year of my life as a parent. It was the year that I learned that giving them wings meant you also had to teach them to fly. And part of learning to fly is being allowed to fall flat on their face from time to time. And any mother and father can tell you that watching them fall is what makes you want to cry. Tough love sucks.

For the last year I have found him on his face time and time again. I have picked him up and put him back on his feet. No thanks. No hugs. Nothing. And I have had to step back and let him take that next leap to try again and once again watch him fall. I/we (bio-dad and I) give him tools, he refuses to use them and we watch him fall yet again. And now he has hit pretty low. And this last time when we asked "do you want help?" he agreed to take our hand and walk to a different ledge before leaping off to try and fly again.

Yesterday I watched him in the backyard playing with my youngest and it occurred to me that in less than 5.5 years he will be considered an adult. In another year and bit he will get getting his Learner's Permit to drive. In 3 years a Driver's License. And in 5.5 years he will be hopefully ready to fly on his own.

A part of me wanted to run out and hug him. To save him from his first heartbreak. To save him from his first bad experience in everything. But to do that would hold him back and he would not grow into the person he is meant to be.

It is hard to figure out where that fine line is between over-parenting and giving too much freedom. And just like him we are doing the best we can, with the knowledge we have and the life experience we have. I just pray that I will not accidentally clip his wings so that he will be able to soar when he is ready.

Receipe: Cinnamon Buns

Who does not love cinnamon buns? And these are literally to die for. No really, my co-workers stampede into the lunch room when I make them!

They taste like Cinna-Bon cinnamon buns. Mmmmm....yummmy! They pretty much melt in your mouth.

I tend to make the dough and roll them up and cut them, put them in the pan, and let rise, and then throw them in the fridge covered in Saran Wrap the night before. Get up for work, bake them, put icing on them and run out the door with them. If my husband is home I am usually missing about 4-6 of them before I leave the house as he takes "his" stash.

Now my cheat tip is follow the reciepe using your bread maker (I have alway made them without) and use Quick Rise Yeast. I own a huge 3lb loaf and quite honestly the dough when it rises pushes the lid off. If your breadmaker is smaller you may want to take it out for the rising part. Just place it in a lightly greased bowl and cover with a slightly damp tea towel. Let rise until double.

I hope you enjoy them as much as we all do!

CINNAMON BUNS

Ingredients
DOUGH

• 1/4 cup warm water
• 1/4 cup butter, melted
• 1 small package instant vanilla pudding mix or 2 vanilla pudding cups (the
pudding cups will give you a stickier but lighter dough)
• 1 cup warm milk
• 1 egg, room temperature
• 1 tablespoon white sugar
• 1/2 teaspoon salt
• 4 cups bread flour
• 1 (.25 ounce) package active dry yeast

FILLING

• 1/4 cup butter, softened
• 1 cup brown sugar
• ground cinnamon
• 3/4 cup chopped pecans (optional)

ICING

• 1/2 (8 ounce) package cream cheese, softened
• 1/4 cup butter, softened
• 1 cup confectioners' sugar
• 1/2 teaspoon vanilla extract
• 1 1/2 teaspoons milk


Directions

1. In the pan of your bread machine, combine water, melted butter, vanilla pudding, warm milk, egg, 1 tablespoon sugar, salt, bread flour and yeast. Set machine to Dough cycle; press Start.

2. When Dough cycle has finished, turn dough out onto a lightly floured surface and roll into a 17x10 inch rectangle. Spread with softened butter. Sprinkle liberally with brown sugar and cinnamon. Sprinkle with pecans (optional).

3. Roll up dough, beginning with long side. Slice into 16 one inch slices and place in 9x13 buttered pan. Let rise in a warm place until doubled, about 45 minutes. Meanwhile, preheat oven to 350 degrees F (175 degrees C).

4. Bake in preheated oven for 15 to 20 minutes. While rolls bake, stir together cream cheese, softened butter, confectioners' sugar, vanilla and milk. Remove rolls from oven and top with frosting.

Tip #1 on how to save money.

DId you know that the average household spends $600 per year on household cleaning supplies? Would you like to know how to save that $600, or at least most of it?

Just like cloth diapers vs disposable diapers to be able to save money in the long run over time you have to put out a little money at the start.

So what is this great breakthrough? Norwex. (No I am not a distributor, so this is an unbiased opinion).

Norwex is a microfiber speciality company that has designed the most amazing microfiber cloths on the market (at least in my opinion). Even better is in a number of their cloths they have added silver to it. Silver is a natural antibacterial agent that is activated by simple water. It is extremely effective, so much that it is used in the wound dressings for burn patients to help prevent infections.

Studies have found that Norwex kills the following things:
E.Coli (Escherichia coli)
Klebsiella pneumoniae
Proteus vulgaris
Salmonella typhi
Staphylococcus aureus
Stretococcus faecalis
Stretococcus pygogenes
Candidua albicans
MRSA
SARS coronavurus

I have talked to a number of people who have simply used the microfiber cloths with the silver in them and noticed a dramatic reduction in the number of colds etc people in the house have suffered from. Also I have a couple of friends whose daughters were constantly getting UTIs. They bought the baby cloth size microfiber cloths and hand their daughters use a wet one to clean themselves after going to the bathroom and their UTIs disappeared. People who have bad acne claim that using just the microfiber cloths (without any additonal cleansers) resulted in their acne clearing up. All because of silver.

Not sold on the silver? Ever heard of the term "Born with a silver spoon?" Babies in high income homes in older times often were fed with silver spoons. These children had lesser infection and thus often lesser infant mortality rates.

All the good stuff being said, the initial cost of buying it all can be a fair chunk of cash. And let's face it, that sucks when one is trying to be money savvy. So I suggest buying in it "bits and pieces" and seeing how you like it. If it like/love it then you can slowly buy more.

So the first purchase would be the microfiber cloths and a window cleaning cloth. Almost all your cleaning needs are fixed right there. The microfiber cloths come in 4 different colors. This is so you can color code them for your house - example: kitchen is blue, bathroom is yellow, regular dusting is green, etc. These clothes have the silver embedded in them and so disinfect while cleaning. Cost of 4 is about $60.00. The window cleaning cloth is a damn near miracle cloth. Wet, wring till damp, wipe the window or mirror and it dries streak free. I hate the smell of window cleaner and I found I could not breathe around it so this for me was a near godsend of a product.

The next thing I would buy would be the mop system with the rubber brush. The mop system consists of the mop handle ($31) and base ($25-33 depending on the size) and then a variety of mop heads. For dry cleaning go with the dry superior mop head. run from ( $25-$35 depending on the size of mop head you buy) for this head you will also want the Rubber Brush ($16) which is makes cleaning the dry mop head a breeze, it is also amazing for getting animal hair off your couch! For wet cleaning you want the wet mop head ($25-34 again dependent on the size, this one has the solver in it so you disinfect your floors as you wash). Now if you use a steam mop already you can probably skip this mop head.

If you have allergy sufferers in your house or are just plain paranoid of dust mites living in your beds, bedding, carpets etc (yuck!) they have a "Mattress Cleaner". It is a living enzyme that eats the dust mites and their waste, eggs etc. Our one dog has severe allergies to dust mites to the point she needs allergy shots. Since we started using this her symptoms have gone down by a good 90%. Our toddler who has had a runny nose sine the day he was born also stopped having a runny nose 24/7. You can use it on your couches, carpet, bedding (yours and any animals you may have), pretty anything that is fabric.

They also have a laundry detergent which is amazing for those that have sensitivities to detergents. It is the only detergent my youngest can use anymore. Everything else triggers a horrible eczema outbreak over his entire body.

So those are the must have basics. They have a catalouge full of great products and you could easily spend hundred of dollars buying everything. The above are what I see as the "must haves" the rest is just great "extras", but you have to start somewhere.

I hope that you have found this useful and informative. As always please post your feedback, stories, etc below.

The Whoas of Menu Planning

Menu planning always sounds like a great idea. It really does. It is suppose to cut down on your grocery bills, save you time, and overall make you happy.

Menu planning needs a reality check.

Pitfall #1

Menu planning usually only plans your suppers. It does not plan the other two meals of the day or snacks. I found I was having these really great suppers but not so great lunches (breakfasts are a short and sweet meal in this house). In reality what happened is I ended up eating out more for lunches as I had bought everything I needed for suppers off my grocery list to only realize later I had no "ingredients" for lunches. They were healthy lunches but $6-$10/day adds up really fast. So if this is the case in your life, you may also need to extend your planning to include lunches and possibly breakfast. Oh and don't forget to plan snacks!

Pitfall #2

How in whoever's name are you suppose to know what you are going to want to eat on Friday when it is the Saturday before and you are "planning". My first solution to this was to premake my dinners and freeze them all. Then I could just pull out the one I wanted that morning and it would be ready to throw in the oven when I got home. Sounds great in theory. But there was always at least one meal I was not totally keen on and it kept getting shoved to "tomorrow's supper". So by the end of the week I was eating something that did not enthuse me and well let's just say pizza was ordered in on more than one occasion because of this. So came my next "solve" and I started one week one to make two weeks meals at a time and freeze them. At the end of week #1 I could see what I had left and make 6-7 more dinner dishes and thus was never having to eat something that just did not appeal to me. Really when you are in the mood for steak, chicken just is not going to cut it.

Pitfall #3

Menu planning is a "family affair". Again great sounding in theory but not great in practice. My kids hate everything. If they had their "opinions" heard we would each grilled cheese sandwiches for a week, maybe throw in some fish sticks to liven things up on Thursdays. Ask your husband what he wants and the answer is usually something along the lines of "I dunno" or "whatever". Save yourself some stress and just make what you want.

Pitfall #4

They say menu planning will encourage your husband to participate in dinner making. Not true. Even though all they have to do it take the thawed food or precut up food and put it in the oven or follow a simple reciepe it just is not going to happen. If it does happen let me know cause your husband is a rarity and thus deserves a medal.

So once you understand and figure out ways around these issues that normally have people stop menu planning you can begin with a realistic view and outcome. It is not hard, and if done right it can save you money (just don't go crazy buying snacks and non meal items).

Any other tips? Please fee free to share them in the comment section below.